Cutting flowers and learning how to celebrate
This week, I was feeling down, the tulips in my garden were really showing off, so I decided to cut some for my desk to bring a little of spring into my windowless classroom.
Two tulip stems broke near the top during the process, so I put them in a small vase in my bedroom rather than waste them.
Pretty, you might be thinking. And perhaps, so what? Well, I usually feel extremely uncomfortable cutting flowers at all. They look so pretty in the garden and provide for insects and birds. It feels selfish to cut them for pure aesthetic enjoyment. Plus, my two cats like to chew on plants, so I have to keep any toxic flowers and houseplants out of their reach, and the whole thing makes me anxious.
Sigh. This is silly, right? Why am I like this? I love to garden. Why can’t I enjoy the harvest?
Perhaps you understand the dilemma of working hard at something and having trouble celebrating because it seems too indulgent. I know I do. In all areas of my life. I skipped my prom, wedding (we eloped), and my master’s degree ceremony. I don’t even enjoy receiving gifts because they often feel like Trojan Horses. Holidays in my childhood came with negative consequences (parent with mental health issues, overspending, then electricity getting shut off months later, etc.)
I did some soul searching this week since my author copies of THE WARNING also arrived from Sourcebooks Fire, and I made the obligatory author unboxing video to celebrate. The whole thing left me uncomfortable. Why does a video of me opening a box of books feel more exposed than writing about my feelings in a blog? I don’t know, but it does. Videos aren’t my thing. Writing is my thing.
So I am working on embracing moments of celebration because I deserve to enjoy the harvest. And so do you.
Back to the tulips—my high school students thought they were fake. Then they remembered back in late fall I had mentioned spending the weekend planting bulbs with an auger.
One student said, “Wow, it paid off.”
And I said, “It did. Thanks.”
Why can’t it be that easy?
At the end of the week, a large petal fell off one flower, and a student picked it up from my desk. She rubbed it gingerly between her fingers.
“It’s so soft,” she whispered. “Can I keep it?”
That’s when it felt worth it.
Tulips! Did you see the pic in my post? And yes! Mary Oliver has a poem about arranging the flowers, these small acts of beauty and indulgence matter. Someone I love is like you- they struggle allowing themselves to play- they don’t always feel they deserve it. Again, back to Oliver and Wild Geese and how we don’t have to be good to be loved. I guess I’m a little like that too- I haven’t picked my flowers because I feel like there’s not enough, but today I’m going to make a bouquet. 🤗 Congrats on the book arrival! Can’t wait to see that video. And who designed windowless classrooms? Hope you can take your kiddos outside in May.
Awwww. What a sweetheart of a student.